Saturday June 19th - My body is a battleground.

Here's the latest - my infection is getting better!!! Every day I wake up and it's improved from the day before, although not totally gone yet. But that's okay, I'm grateful beyond words that it's going in the right direction. I've been on 3 different very strong antibiotics for 11 days now -- two by IV, through a PICC line in my upper arm, (inserted in the hospital last week), and one orally. BIG doses of Maxipime and Cubicin, with oral Probenicid to enhance the IV drugs. I go to the infusion center daily in Redondo Beach for 60-90 minute infusions for two weeks total. I seem to be tolerating them fairly well, but not without side effects... extreme fatigue, muscle weakness (from the Cubicin), and fevers. Oh those fevers!!! They make me want to lie down and do nothing. I'm so weak and tired, and every muscle in my body aches. I long for the vitality and strength I used to have a mere 2 months ago. I feel like I'm 90.

And now it appears that I have Bursitis in my left shoulder. Could be from inactivity, but is common in after breast surgery and in diabetics. The pain radiating down my arm whenever I lift it higher than my shoulder is excruciating. Off to Physical Therapy and massage. I had an awesome chair massage today by a guy specializing in sports injuries; he really got to the root of my pain.

I have to admit I was a little down in the dumps earlier this week. Financial worries, Rachel was in a car accident (she's FINE but her car is NOT), infection, side effects, shoulder pain, difficulties keeping my blood sugar under control (and the doctor told me these antibiotics will not work to heal the infection if my blood sugars are high).... can you blame me? It's been a tough week. Yet I'm always so determined to stay positive under any and all circumstances. But something was getting in the way of that.

Then I had a breakthrough on Thursday night, thanks to the L.A. Lakers. I was watching the movie, "The Green Mile" on my laptop, with the Laker game on TV on mute so I could keep an eye on the score. (Paul was watching the game in full glory in the other room!) As I watched the movie and saw Michael Clarke Duncan's face as he was watching Fred Estaire & Ginger Rodgers dance on the movie screen, I was deeply moved by the expression of pure joy on his face. It suddenly hit me how precious and wonderful life is in every moment in time and space. As I glanced up to see the game score, I saw close-ups of the players' faces dripping with sweat and filled with determination to fight till the end for their victory. I knew that feeling - it's the feeling of excitement and exhiliaration I get on the competition dance floor, the US Open floor and the UCWDC Worlds ballroom (or the Grand Ole Opry Stage). Those Lakers were at the TOP of their game, in those final moments. And suddenly I realized that I, too, will be at the top of my game again, very soon. It may not be tomorrow or next week, but it will happen! I will get out there on that floor and the pure joy I feel when I dance will spill over in abundance. Somehow I knew this in no uncertain terms, and an overwhelming sense of peace filled my heart.

We all have our own battles to fight. I sit here quietly and peacefully writing this as a war is being waged inside my body... heavily armed antibiotics fighting the evil infection-causing-bacteria, while the good bacteria fights to stay alive. Piece 'o cake, right?