Light at the end of the tunnel.

Friday the 13th. Is it luck? Good or bad? Or do we create our own reality? At 9 days post-surgery, I think I'm finally through the worst of it. Having dug myself out of the trenches, I realize now that a fair amount of my struggles last week were mental. Unexpressed anger, perhaps? One of the grieving phases that I must've missed. Somehow I became angry at the loss of my expander (visibly, the loss of my right breast), and felt terribly guilty for having this little pity party given the fact that I am cancer free. Now that I've had a week to get used to the idea that my initial goal of being done with reconstruction by my birthday is no longer an option, I'm sort of okay with it. I'm also beginning to get used to being a one-boob gal. As long as I can see through my tears all the incredible blessings I have in my life, I can handle anything that comes my way.

The good news - I got my drain out today! Yay! I feel so free without those rubbery chains hanging off me, getting tangled up in my insulin pump tubing. And my energy is returning, which feels great. Dr. Newman said I can dance 2 weeks after surgery, which will be this coming Wednesday. So this weekend I will rest more. And don't worry, I will NOT jump into full speed dancing starting Wednesday, I promise! Maybe I'll eve take an extra week or two, if that's what my body tells me.

A few friends have told me they are of the opinion that the infections may have happened as a result of me pushing too hard too soon after my original surgery. I respect and appreciate those opinions, and have done a tremendous amount of soul searching in this regard. Believe me, I don't want to jeopardize my health in any way. Yet I ask that you trust me. I have had training throughout my life on listening to my body's signals. I know how to bank energy bursts. Unfortunately it's not a perfect science; there's no exact recipe for how much to push it. Laying in bed all the time is unhealthy; a little exercise and light dancing to bring out those powerful healing endorphins is a good thing. OTOH, hours and hours of grueling dance practices is NOT! Knowing when and how much, is the key…the goal is to find the happy medium, and that's not easy. Perhaps I erred on the side of too much. And yet I have no regrets. I may have gotten the infections anyway, according to my doctors. There is truly no known cause. Statistically it's my diabetes. But I am not a statistic; I am me.

So what now? My PS doesn't want to put in another expander for at least 3 months... let things heal and get stronger. That puts me into mid-November which is the US Open, and then Worlds … so we agreed to wait till January, and I'll wear a prosthesis until then. I have an appointment to get fitted for one on Monday.

As I sit here on Friday night, the 13th of August, watching the live stream to the Palm Springs Summer Dance Camp where Rachel and so many of my friends are this weekend, I am at peace. Dance is my passion. It gets my juices flowing, just seeing my friends through the webcam, and watching the comps. Yet I know that dancing will be there for me when my body has had enough rest and healing time. In the meantime, I am watching. If you're at the event right now, know that I'm watching you and cheering you on!