Even though it seems that my life has turned upside down in the last 4 weeks (it was 4 weeks ago yesterday when I had the drop of blood and went to the doc the next day), I am doing okay. I've turned my focus to studying and researching everything I can get my hands on, talking to survivors, going to support groups, getting 2nd opinions. I'm 99% sure I'm going for the bi-lateral mastectomy, with immediate reconstruction which my surgeon recommended. This Wednesday I see the plastic surgeon and then will have many more decisions to make (implants or tissue transfer).After that appointment tomorrow, I should have a better idea of when my surgery will be ... or maybe an actual date.
Some of you have commented that this BLM decision seems extreme for my "99% treatable" cancer. I would've agreed with you a couple of weeks ago. But after alot of research and soul searching, I know in my heart this is the right thing to do. Many many factors are considered in a life-changing decision such as this. The cancer was found in two separate areas in my right breast; one close to the nipple, and one in the back. The left breast's benign papilloma has a risk of developing into cancer, if not soon, possibly in the future. Then there's my family history. I want to avoid radiation if possible. Symmetry is down low on the list of priorities; nevertheless, it is an issue.
I've been focusing more than ever on the spirit of gratitude in the last couple of years. It has improved my life tremendously. My sense of appreciation for every single day God has given me has permeated my daily thoughts and actions. This change in my life has affected the way I'm reacting to this cancer diagnosis, I think, making it somehow easier to bear. I'm so glad I started this transformation well before I was diagnosed, so it could become embedded in my spirit, giving me the strength to cope. I have so much to be thankful for. I keep reading and hearing about women who go through stages of grief, when they're first diagnosed, the first two being denial and anger. For some reason, I had neither. Sadness and grief, yes, fear, you betcha... but not anger. I know God wouldn't give me anything I can't handle.
I am told that the stages of grief can take many forms, and vary in order. Perhaps the anger and denial will come later.
Yet it all still seems so unreal to me. Like it's all a theory. I keep thinking I'll wake up tomorrow morning and it'll all have been a nightmare. I don't feel sick, yet I have this serious disease. I feel fine. It's so weird.And yet I know that a few weeks from now it will become the reality that every woman dreads. I'm scared, damn right I'm scared! I feel a strong need to delve into the details of every aspect of the surgery and recovery, asking survivors how they felt when they woke up, how long it took before they could look in the mirror, etc. ...thinking that if I can be made aware of every remote possibility, I'll be able to get a grasp when the time comes. Am I a control freak? Don't know and don't care... I simply am trusting my natural instincts, and listening to my heart.
At some point, I know I will have to let go, and trust. When the time comes, that is what I will do. But not yet!
I cannot say it enough... my husband is my rock... I couldn't do this without his love and support. I am so lucky to have him by my side through all of this; every appointment, every decision. He's been there through my tears of grief and fear, he's witnessed my realizations, listened to me read aloud excerpts from books and e-mails, and taken good care of me after all my biopsies. I'm sure he's going through his own personal hell with this, having lost his mother 5 years ago to lung cancer.
I know that some women who are diagnosed with breast cancer choose not to share it with the world like I did... and I totally respect that. Everyone is different in that regard. I just feel compelled to tell my story. Maybe it will help someone someday. I hope it will encourage all women reading this to get their screenings. I never ever thought this could happen to me. Cancer is what happens to others. I live a healthy lifestyle -- I never drank, smoked, or did drugs. I've always eaten well, taken vitamins, (yes, Vitamin D!), exercised, and taken care of my health. I breastfed all three of my children for 2 and 3 years each, and followed that by raising them on whole, natural foods. We used brown rice, whole grain breads & pastas, and, when we could afford it, organic chicken & proteins. We used Dr. Bronner's instead of chemical-laden cleaning products. Mrs. Gooch's was my 2nd home (now Whole Foods Markets). My kids were 3 years old before they ever had their first taste of refined sugar. We did everything right!
I will follow up tomorrow night with an update after my appointment with the plastic surgeon. I promise that update will be alot shorter! Thanks for your listening ear... for your love and support... just for being there and letting me share my story.
Love,
Rhonda
Some of you have commented that this BLM decision seems extreme for my "99% treatable" cancer. I would've agreed with you a couple of weeks ago. But after alot of research and soul searching, I know in my heart this is the right thing to do. Many many factors are considered in a life-changing decision such as this. The cancer was found in two separate areas in my right breast; one close to the nipple, and one in the back. The left breast's benign papilloma has a risk of developing into cancer, if not soon, possibly in the future. Then there's my family history. I want to avoid radiation if possible. Symmetry is down low on the list of priorities; nevertheless, it is an issue.
I've been focusing more than ever on the spirit of gratitude in the last couple of years. It has improved my life tremendously. My sense of appreciation for every single day God has given me has permeated my daily thoughts and actions. This change in my life has affected the way I'm reacting to this cancer diagnosis, I think, making it somehow easier to bear. I'm so glad I started this transformation well before I was diagnosed, so it could become embedded in my spirit, giving me the strength to cope. I have so much to be thankful for. I keep reading and hearing about women who go through stages of grief, when they're first diagnosed, the first two being denial and anger. For some reason, I had neither. Sadness and grief, yes, fear, you betcha... but not anger. I know God wouldn't give me anything I can't handle.
I am told that the stages of grief can take many forms, and vary in order. Perhaps the anger and denial will come later.
Yet it all still seems so unreal to me. Like it's all a theory. I keep thinking I'll wake up tomorrow morning and it'll all have been a nightmare. I don't feel sick, yet I have this serious disease. I feel fine. It's so weird.And yet I know that a few weeks from now it will become the reality that every woman dreads. I'm scared, damn right I'm scared! I feel a strong need to delve into the details of every aspect of the surgery and recovery, asking survivors how they felt when they woke up, how long it took before they could look in the mirror, etc. ...thinking that if I can be made aware of every remote possibility, I'll be able to get a grasp when the time comes. Am I a control freak? Don't know and don't care... I simply am trusting my natural instincts, and listening to my heart.
At some point, I know I will have to let go, and trust. When the time comes, that is what I will do. But not yet!
I cannot say it enough... my husband is my rock... I couldn't do this without his love and support. I am so lucky to have him by my side through all of this; every appointment, every decision. He's been there through my tears of grief and fear, he's witnessed my realizations, listened to me read aloud excerpts from books and e-mails, and taken good care of me after all my biopsies. I'm sure he's going through his own personal hell with this, having lost his mother 5 years ago to lung cancer.
I know that some women who are diagnosed with breast cancer choose not to share it with the world like I did... and I totally respect that. Everyone is different in that regard. I just feel compelled to tell my story. Maybe it will help someone someday. I hope it will encourage all women reading this to get their screenings. I never ever thought this could happen to me. Cancer is what happens to others. I live a healthy lifestyle -- I never drank, smoked, or did drugs. I've always eaten well, taken vitamins, (yes, Vitamin D!), exercised, and taken care of my health. I breastfed all three of my children for 2 and 3 years each, and followed that by raising them on whole, natural foods. We used brown rice, whole grain breads & pastas, and, when we could afford it, organic chicken & proteins. We used Dr. Bronner's instead of chemical-laden cleaning products. Mrs. Gooch's was my 2nd home (now Whole Foods Markets). My kids were 3 years old before they ever had their first taste of refined sugar. We did everything right!
I will follow up tomorrow night with an update after my appointment with the plastic surgeon. I promise that update will be alot shorter! Thanks for your listening ear... for your love and support... just for being there and letting me share my story.
Love,
Rhonda
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