I must apologize for the scatteredness of this blog. My thoughts and feelings are all over the place right now.
It all started on Feb. 8th when I saw some bleeding from my right nipple. And I had just had a mammogram 5 months earlier -- free and clear. So I went to the doctor the next day and he ordered tests... and... and... and...
...the diagnosis on Tuesday (2/23) was DCIS -- Ductal Carcinoma In Situ -- breast cancer that is only in the ducts, in my right breast. ("In Situ means "in place".) In my left breast, there were two suspicious areas they biopsied. One is benign, and the other is a papilloma, which is benign. But they want to remove the papilloma anyway, because it can potentially turn into cancer in the future, since they will already be doing surgery on my right breast.
Yesterday I had another biopsy (a 3rd) -- this time an MRI-guided biopsy -- on my right breast. They had seen something on my MRI last week, deeper in toward the chest wall, that couldn't be seen on an ultrasound biopsy. Depending on what they find there, I will either have a lumpectomy on each (with radiation on one breast) or a mastectomy. We'll know more after Friday (tomorrow) when we get the results from yesterday's biopsy...(which, btw, was tough).
My sister had breast cancer... 13 years ago when she was 59. She is doing fine today. My paternal grandmother also had it, at age 59, a very long time ago. She passed away when I was 5.
There are the facts. And then there are the feelings. I have so much under the surface I wish I could express... in my quiet moments... thoughts... of my life and where it's headed.... I'm different now, forever, and I have to try to accept this... I feel my breasts on my body, cradle them in my arms, thinking of how they are the 'nurturing' part of my womanhood... how can I lose them? They fed my precious babies. It breaks my heart!
Yet as a mother, my next thought goes to, 'what do my now grown kids need most?'... they need their mom, alive and happy for as long as they can have her. After all, nobody in the world loves you like your mom. I want that for them. And I have so much to live for. So if I have to give up these beautiful (yes, beautiful!) breasts that nurtured my babies so long ago, I will do it gladly... so I can survive.
The other day I realized something. My grandmother, my mom's mom, Minnie, who passed long ago, somehow saved my life. It took me 11 days to realize this. I was thinking about how this all started, a week ago Monday when I first saw the bleeding from my nipple. It was Feb. 8th. Then it occurred to me that was the anniversary of my grandmother Minnie's death - Feb. 8, 1984. I was at the hospital right after she passed... then found out a few days later that I was pregnant with Melanie. I named her after my boby Minnie; we've always had a special bond.
Looking back, I feel as though my grandmother was trying to send me a message that day, the anniversary of her death, through my bleeding breast. If that hadn't happened, I wouldn't have gone to the doctor. I believe she saved my life.
Jan Kain called me and was all excited about the new TV show, "Flash Forward" coming to her San Pedro studio (where I work) on Friday night to film a car crash scene out front. They're paying her some good money which she's putting towards her new floor! Yay! I told her she can help me get strong and train my body after I recover from these biopsies.(She's really good at that.) I want to do Pilates every day and whatever else I can do before my surgery, to get strong muscles and stamina so I'll recover quicker.
I have moments of feeling encouraged, that armed with the love and support from my family and friends, I can tackle this head on and be victorious. Then I have moments of, "can I do this?", after reading some of the literature they gave me. So overwhelming. So many decisions to be made. So much research to do.
Tonight I am scared. Tomorrow morning at 9am I get the results from yesterday's biopsy. I need prayers! Not for the results, I mean, it is what it is... and we'll deal with it... the prayers are mostly for me to have the strength to fight this.
Thanks to Connie for this quote... seems perfect right about now...
"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face." ~Eleanor Roosevelt
Love & light,
Rhonda
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